Saturday, October 14, 2006

Copycat

Three things tattoo’d on me:
My children’s initials;
A peace sign;
And two thumbs on my head, under my hair,
Pushing down hard to keep me proper.

The next time I go in, I’m going to get
An ankh on my ankle
and a rose on my left breast.

And a hat.

Friday, October 13, 2006

"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what a ship is for."

Once upon a time there was a pretty little girl with stars in her eyes and a smile that came straight from the heart. She couldn't wait to grow up because in all the books she'd read, being 'grown-up' meant that the 'happily-ever-after' thing would begin and life would always treat her with gentle loving hands and she would be absolutely exactly that: happy, ever after.

Then one day she found out that not all books end on a positive note. One day she found out that some stories end horribly. Logically, but horribly. Sometimes, the pretty little girl with the heartfelt smile felt trapped, like a rat in a cage. Sometimes, the pretty little girl felt cornered, like a bewildered wild thing feeling the walls on three sides and seeing choices she'd made of her own free will standing in front of the only exit and knowing that to get out she'd have to destroy them. She could see beyond, to the world outside where there were at least different walls and different cages and different choices in the doorways, but all she could do was look because to do anything else would be to hit something else a blow that would be unfair and uncalled for and devastating, inevitable as it certainly was, and the little girl, trapped in the cage and with the walls at her back and sides, wanting out, wanting OUT, knew she'd have to gnaw off her own leg to do so and while most days it seemed as though it would be worth it anyway, on the days when her mind was functioning properly she knew that even if she did it, the leg she left behind would never heal and would hurt forever and that others besides her would feel the pain. . . . .

And some days, most days, she realized that the stories with horrible endings were better than stories with no ending at all. She realized, too, that the reason those stories wherein the reader could choose her own ending always seemed horrible to her was because it's the responsibility of the author to choose the ending; the author owes it to the reader to end the story; what if the ending the little girl chose wasn't the ending she would have chosen several years down the road; once the story has an ending, aren't all options then forever closed? Is it possible to go back and choose another ending for the same story? And if she did that, what would happen to all the characters who were comfortable with the first ending?

One day the little girl realized that a comfortable ending can be the worst kind of pap-ish cop-out writing. Sometimes, a frenetic orgy of twists and turns and ironies and schema and decisions and introduction of new characters when the reader least suspects it could happen, is the best kind of ending.

Then again, maybe the best kind of ending is the kind wherein all those things happen, and we are left at the end satisfied, yet we were involved enough to wonder what happened after the words "The end" have been stamped onto that last page. . . . .

The little girl has never been able to discount the periphery characters. Yes, we are all ecstatic that the lovers finally came together, but what about the heartbreak of those who were abandoned by these same lovers in order that they might come together at the end? What do the abandoned ones think about when they go home, take off their bridal clothes and climb into bed alone, after all?

We focus on the main characters and we don't really pay much attention to the subplot characters who often sacrifice all that the main characters might find happiness.

If the little girl could stop thinking about them, she might break free and do it. If she could stop thinking about those periphery characters, she would be free.

If she could stop thinking about them.

Perhaps every story, then, is really a continued story. But those always seemed a kind of cop-out, too.

The little girl is confused. Really, really confused.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Love Isn't

“I love you with all of my heart” I say, and I mean it too. You are like a God to me, tall, older, intelligent. I grovel on my knees for any scrap of attention you hurl my way and I’m grateful for it, no better than your dog, no smarter in your eyes either.

You taught me to love in a fucked up way. You made me cum, and I repaid you with my loyalty, my trust, my entire being. Whatever you wanted, whatever you needed whatever I could do to prove how much you were worth.

But you didn’t love me like that.

I sit here and see what you have done. The butter you smeared on all of the walls lends an eerie glow to the room as the candles you lit and placed upon the table flicker with my catching breath, the table with the pentagram you drew in red paint. Why would you do that? I wonder to myself, and then dismiss the thought because I can hear you in my head. I pick up the broken glass you scattered around the room and cut myself by accident. I don’t tend the wounds though; somehow they make it all more real. I watch as the blood from my face runs with the blood from my hands upon the floor. This should hurt, I think, but I don’t feel anything.

I am leaving you now, and I will never be back.

Snitch

Three things tattoo'd on me:
My tribal affiliation;
My mother's name;
and H-A-T-E on each knuckle
of my left hand.

The next time I go in, I'm going to get
a cross on my thumb
and the and the Angel of Death on my back.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Haiku

"Scandalous and wrong,"
Is what people would say if
They could read my mind.

Untitled, sent to a potential lover

eternity will change my
brilliant perfume box into
blue velvet magic
you may smile at her but
no one would breathe as if
this joy was not enough

blind and naked
we were wet but laughing
with this small life
and its small victories
like dew
piling up in the grass
waiting for summer toes to tickle.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Yes, I am a coward.

I'm going to bed. I'm too tired to be sane, and when I'm tired I loosen up like a drunk and it's hard telling what I might do or say. It's too risky. I could shock someone to the point of heart failure with moods like I've had lately.

Did I say "moods?" Oh hell, you've never seen a real mood 'till you've seen mine. Marvels of discretionless confessions, they are. Scary things. Absolutely without regard for convention.

The really awful part? I like having them.